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The past is dead
I turn 38 on Tuesday, March 1st. I miss my mother more on my birthday than I do on her birthday, Feb 19th. If there's one person in my entire family that never forgot about me (even my bio dad, I shit you not, could never be bothered to remember) and no one acted like I mattered at all once I reached adulthood. I still get well wishes and cards from friends and the in-laws and that means the world to me, but... it's just not the same. No one could truly, fully replace the touching Mother to Daughter cards. We had our disagreements, but she never had a mean word to say every March 1st. It mattered so much to know that I wasn't forgotten, but when she died, no one cared anymore. She wasn't there to remind anyone that hey, she exists, you should say something.... Her death left behind such a huge chasm of deafening silence, turning the pain of her loss into something beyond that, something so gut-wrenching that it became tangible (ever cry so hard you throw up? Yeah, that was me). She was
A milestone I never asked for
Everything has been a little too overwhelming, giving me little time to come to terms with one loss before the next one strikes me down. I'm 37 years old and my parents are fucking DEAD. That's not the kind of milestone I was expecting at this age, but here I am, having to literally pick up the shattered pieces of what remains of their estates and sift through things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. Material things can't bring them back (only rake me over the coals of past traumas) and neither can their ashes, no matter how much I scream for them to hear my final good-bye or beg for the closure I was owed. I'm not fine and I need to be okay with that because life's a bitch.
Well, fuck...
Well.. today,... Fuck, where do I even begin? It's not every day that a woman manages to lose BOTH her parents in under 3 years (also lost both paternal and maternal grandmothers in that time as well).. my stepfather, my best friend and kindred spirit from the age of 11, died at the hands of COVID-19 today. Shell shocked doesn't even begin to describe how devastated I truly feel.
Numb
Yesterday, I completed a series of tasks that have left me feeling productive, but at the same time, utterly incapable of internalizing my feelings like I usually do. I am physically and emotionally drained and numb after being in existential crisis and crying most of the day (my chronic pain is through the roof, at the moment, magnifying all the deep-seated negative feelings). It's no one's fault except my own because I struggle to express myself in a healthy way. I internalize my problems until the rising pressure eventually reaches critical mass (blowing up like the proverbial Mount St. Helens) has been a habitual conditioned behavior since early in life. I recognize that it's irrational for me to expect myself to be an emotionally detached robot, but I fail to understand the concept of what 'normal' really is, especially given how fucked up my life/upbringing has been. Grief has only exacerbated this issue, so everything I've felt has been, to say the least, intense. I'm going to
© 2014 - 2024 Vee-Freak
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I don't have allergies but this year it is so horrendous! Plus I think my body is making up for not being sick all winter long. x_x